SUPPORT 鈥� LISTEN - BELIEVE
- Believe the survivor. Let her or him know you do. Not being believed is what survivors fear most.
- Listen to the survivor. Give them a chance to talk about the experience and her/his feelings. Be thoughtful in your response. Allow him/her to be silent; you don鈥檛 have to talk every time s/he stops talking. Don鈥檛 ask questions that imply that the assault was the survivor鈥檚 fault, such as 鈥渨hy did you go to his room鈥� or 鈥渨hy did you go drinking?鈥�
- Help the survivor regain some sense of control. Support him/her in making decisions about whom to tell and how to proceed. Communicate that any feeling the survivor may have are normal and understandable. Supporting someone means validating her or her feelings and emotions.
- Recognize your own limitations. No one expects you to be an expert in counseling or sexual assault; therefore, avoid making strong recommendations to your friend. Realize that as a friend you may need counseling to cope with the events your friend may have shared with you.
WHAT NOT TO DO WHEN HELPING A SURVIVOR
- Avoid making decisions for the survivor. Instead, listen and then ask you can help.
- Do not touch or hug your friend without permission.
- Statements like the ones below come across as blaming the survivor and increase a sense of guilt shame, or responsibility. Try not to judge the survivor鈥檚 behavior or imply that it is somehow their fault.
鈥淲hy didn鈥檛 your fight?鈥� 鈥淵ou shouldn鈥檛 have gone to their room鈥�, or anything else that questions the actions of the victim. These types of statements send the message that the person could have done something to avoid the attached and that it is her or his fault. One should not question a survivor鈥檚 actions.
鈥淲here you drunk?鈥� This sends the message that the person is partially responsible for the attack. Intoxication does not excuse a perpetrator鈥檚 actions, nor does it make the survivor responsible for being assaulted.
鈥淚鈥檒l kill the person who did this to you!鈥� While anger is a natural reaction, it can be very harmful. The survivor has faced one person whose anger was out of control and must now try to calm down another person so there won鈥檛 be more violence.
鈥淵ou should go to the police.鈥� Although going to the police might be a step in the healing process for the victim, it must be their decision to do so. Allowing them to make decisions to disclose to other or seek services will help the person gain back control that was taken away.
YOUR REACTION
- Disbelief.聽Family and friends may react to the sexual assault of a loved one with shock and disbelief, especially if there are no visible signs of attack.
- Fear.聽You may feel intense fear for yourself or for the attached person. You may want to protect him or her from future assault. Your concern may be reassuring soon after the assault, but too much caution can make it difficult for the survivor to feel capable and in control again.
- Depression.聽It is normal to feel sad. Sexual assault can bring up feelings of powerlessness in survivors and those who love them.
- Guilt.聽This is a common reaction. Whatever you did or did not do, you are not to blame.
- Anger.聽Often loved ones experience anger after a sexual assault. Your first reaction may be to seek revenge against the attacker. This is will not help yourself or the survivor if you are hurt or in jail. If you find yourself blaming the victim for the assault, make sure that you have someone other than that person who can listen to your angry feelings. Remember, even if the survivor used poor judgment, it is the attacker who is responsible.